My friends, I’ve been in hiding. I’ve been hiding because I was afraid of the words that I’d share. I was afraid that I couldn’t be that uplifting Christian woman that encourages you.
I had everything planned out. I was going to travel the world. I was going to speak Life to others. I was going to give everything up for Him. I became a follower of Christ at 18 years of age. The world was before me. And then it wasn’t. I thought that sacrificing myself for others to hear His word meant traveling and speaking out. I didn’t realize it meant giving myself within four walls to six tiny little bodies and to one faithful man.
Being a mother is the greatest sacrifice. To put yourself below others is ridiculously humbling. I thought I could be Katie Davis. I thought I could give everything up. That this world had no grip on me.
You guys, I can’t even move one state over.
This has been the most difficult year of my life. I have realized I’m not as strong as I thought I was. And speaking with other mothers…I’m not alone.
Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God. (Psalm 69:1-3 ESV)
So what do you do when you have nothing left to offer? When you’ve given all you have and you’re empty? When you’re the Giving Tree with nothing left to give?
This morning I sat with my journal and my Bible. Pleading for God to help me. When He opened my eyes to a humbling realization.
I was choosing to be anorexic.
I was not feeding on His word. Yahweh had invited me to a feast and I stood off starving myself when His goodness was all around me. I stood as a wallflower waiting for someone to ask me to dance when the King was right there the entire time with His hand held out.
I told you before what a royal mess I am. What a royal mess we all are.
Life is hard. And we *will* have valleys. Sometimes those valleys are easy to get through and there are going to be times when we won’t have the strength to continue. And right now, I’m parched. So I’m going to the One who offers living water. The One who will carry me. I’ve been trying to be my own strength and it’s not working out. I’m weak, I’m bruised, I’m burdened, I’m heartbroken.
This isn’t easy to write about. But I’m wanting to be open and honest with you. Life. Is. Hard. People are going to hurt you. The enemy is going to fight you. Sometimes we need brought to our knees and reminded that He is our warrior.
I’m going to be praying for you as I know many of you are going through the same struggles. We are nothing but broken jars of clay in deep need of grace. There’s only one Savior, and it’s not you. You can’t save anyone. All you can do is point others to the Father who loves like no other. Let go of the grasp you think you have on your future. You don’t have control. He’s going to use you for His glory. I don’t know what that looks like for you…or for me. All I know is that we have to be willing to hold our hands open to the One who gave us life.
Stay in His word. Pray. Know that He’s listening to you. Know that He truly does care for you.