Learning to Communicate

November 7, 2014

Learning to Communicate - Eucharisteo.com{photo compliments of the gifted Pranee Loffer of Beauty for Ashes Photography}

This past year, since our move from the Carolina’s to Nashville, it has been a painful transition. As I said in my last post, I thought this was going to be easy. I thought for sure I was strong enough to go wherever God wanted to lead us. I mean, my goodness, I was open to becoming overseas missionaries. Wow, my heart was in the right place, but

Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. (Proverbs 28:26 ESV)

If you read last year’s posts you can see how fast the listing/selling/moving process went. And it was crazy because my husband had asked me if I would be up to moving to Nashville and I immediately said yes. We didn’t sit down and talk about it. There really was no discussion, no pros and cons list was made. In my heart I wanted to lovingly submit to my husband. I wanted to encourage him in his work and if moving to Nashville was how I was going to communicate my love to him then that’s what I was going to do. I never once thought about how this would impact our relationship.

We have never argued more, cried more, we’ve never been this frustrated with each other. This has been a painful year. My heart wanted to do the right thing but it ended up tearing me down.

And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

I do not have a biblical foundation. So at some point after I became a Christian {at 18} I came across this scripture.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:22-24 ESV)

Y’all, I took that scripture and I ran with it. There was no Titus 2 woman in my life to tell me different. I spent the first fourteen years of our marriage laying down my desires. I didn’t think my opinion truly mattered {just being honest with you}.

As frustrating as this past year in Tennessee has been, I’m so thankful for it. I am thankful that I have learned that I do have a voice. That it’s ok to have an opinion. It’s ok to disagree with my husband. Do you see the problems that can arise when you aren’t communicating with your spouse? I was misinterpreting scripture and it was damaging, not just me, but our family.

It should never be normal for your children to see you and your spouse fighting. To see you crying on a daily basis. I was weeping at the thought of the horrible memories we were giving our children. Then my husband said something profound. He said that what they’re seeing is going to show them that we all go through valleys. And when we do, we don’t give up. We don’t throw in the towel. We fight for each other. We take the painful road and we do what we have to do to make it work.

I am so thankful to finally be learning how to communicate with my husband. We have misunderstood each other for years. Men and women are drastically different. When you’re first dating and when you’re first married you believe that the two of you are like twins.


And that is what makes your relationship beautiful. That’s what makes it work. You are different and you compliment each other.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them…Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (Colossians 3:18-19 & 23-24 ESV)

A Note From Jeremy

This has been a difficult year.

I can count on my fingers the number of times Jennica and I fought in the first 14 years of marriage, but we’ve surpassed the total the past year. We’ve discovered that we often think we’re communicating when we’re really not on the same page. We’ve become frustrated thinking we’re expressing how we feel, but then discover the other isn’t understanding the communication.

But this isn’t the end of the story. It’s an opportunity for a new beginning.

We’re spending time re-learning how to communicate with each other. There’s three keys that have helped us improve communication:

  1. Be honest, direct, and timely. When miscommunication has occurred, I have often kept my mouth shut and not addressed the issue right away. Now, when either one of us is upset at something said, we address it immediately. It’s amazing how many times it was simply a miscommunication and there was no ill-will intended. When something happens, be honest and direct, address it at the time it happens.
  2. Really forgive one another. We’re both guilty of bringing up past mistakes even after we’ve forgiven one another. I must release Jennica from things I’ve forgiven her of. For example, there have been times where she’s guilted me over times my job has taken me away. She’s asked for forgiveness for those times. I cannot keep using those times as ammunition in an argument, once forgiven, I cannot keep bringing those times back up.
  3. Speak to each other’s love language. Jennica’s love language is quality time and I have not been very good at speaking her Love Language. Quality time is not only spending time together, it’s spending time together invested into each other. We’re learning to speak each other’s love language to invest in our marriage.



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