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Beginning Jubilee

December 31, 2019

There’s a part of me that wants to write this and a part that does not. But, after all the discussions I’ve had I realize I am not the only person. I’ll keep this short as I plan on playing and partying with my family today. 

This past year has not been easy. I won’t go into the details, but I’ll just say the past seven years have been indescribably difficult. After the miscarriage in February, that was kinda the tipping point, I was at a place mentally where I was just expecting the bad to come. The enemy had me in his hands and he knew just how to play the right notes to destroy me.

I tried so many different ways to fix myself. As a natural health professional, I tried it all. From homeopathy, to Bach flowers, to the emotion code, to tapping, to hiding, to prayer, to crying (and crying and crying and crying) and so many other things. It was painful. I felt like I was ruining life for everybody around me. So I hid. 

This pregnancy….as soon as precious Selah was born it was like it was all washed away. All the fear. All the anxiety. All of the hurt. God washed it all away. Ironically she was born in water, but I can think of no better way to describe it. 

I cry these days but because I’m looking at this beautiful miracle and asking the Lord “who am I that you would bless me with this precious creation?”

I have no desire to carry this into 2020. So today I am putting this at the foot of the cross and thanking the Lord for carrying this for me. To the handful of friends whom I trusted in and who would comfort me in words or presence, thank you. A million times over. Thank you for showing the love of Christ to a broken and hurting sister.

Our word for 2020 is Jubilee. Freedom from enslavement. Thank you Lord for freeing us and for refining us in fire for seven years. May You be glorified in the joy-filled and hard euchresteo.

Part of my focus this new year is to stay far away from negativity. Whether that be social media or the news. It’s not something I should be playing with so flippantly. 

I don’t know if someone else needed to read this, but living in fear is so dark and I’m so sorry if you’re struggling here. I wish I could take it all away for you. It’s so easy to say to trust the Lord. I *did* trust the Lord. I just can’t properly explain what it’s like to live on that kind of stage. When you know, you know. And I pray you never have to know. Unless, of course, the Lord will be using it to help another brother or sister.

I can’t fix it and it’s hard and it sucks, but there is an ending. There is a rainbow on the other side. And Selah, for us, is our rainbow. 

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18

Blessings 🌻